Timian the Cat Supreme
There has been some discussions in cat circles lately on the benefits of keeping human beings as pets. Some cats have argued that to much work is involved, and that humans impede their freedom. Others say that human beings are useful because they work hard and are in general easy to train and keep clean.
I definitely belong to the latter group. And speak out of experience, having kept two human beings as pets since the fall of last year.
Per and Susanne are friendly creatures, they show strong affection towards me and my sister Basilikum and are in general good at performing the tasks required of them (the provision of food, litter box cleaning etc.).
If I have any complaint it must be that it is hard to get them to understand the concept of quality food. I am sure the dry pellets are good for my fur, but they taste like cardboard!
Anyway, I believe it would benefit some of my fellow cats if a shared my man keeping rules with them.
1. Be strict and consistent
Human beings are simple creatures and their instincts may drive them towards trying to restrict you freedom of movement. They may, for instance, try to stop you from walking on tables, scratching furniture and eating plants.
In my experience the proper response is be gentle, but strict. Make it totally clear that this is your preserve and that you decide. If you are persistent long enough, the human beings will give in.
Give them a hug when they give in. You can get a long way with some positive conditioning!
2. Communicate in a transparent manner
My human pets have clearly been around cats before, as they do — for instance — understand that narrow eyes signify a sense of satisfaction.
In other ways, however, they are totally inept at normal communication, which proves, in my opinion, that the human intelligence is not well developed. They are brighter than dogs, but then again, what animal isn’t?
They do, for instance, not understand that it is impolite not to sniff a behind when presented to them. On the other hand, I accept the explanation given by my sister Basilikum for the fact that they do not raise their own tails: The poor creatures do not have tails, and their unfortunate lack of fur forces them to cover their behinds in artificial skins.
Some philosophers have argued that human beings have a underdeveloped body language and a weak sense of smell because they are using sound for communication instead — very much in the same way as birds.
However, recent research goes against this theory. Hence Felix the Magnificent believes that their chattering is just a form of auditory grooming. He correctly points out that not one of the intelligent species we know of (cats, lions, leopards, pumas, lynx and tigers) make active use of noise for advanced communication, except for reining in kittens, warning enemies or attracting mates.
Hence restrict your communication to bodily contact.
3. Give them a lot of love
Humans are lovable creatures, and they like to cuddle. Bodily contact seems to calm them down, which makes them easier to handle. Furthermore, their strange paws are perfect for grooming!
The old Scythian philosopher Flaming Fur the Brave once argued that the creation of the human paw was a proof of God’s existence, as the perfect fit with the needs of cats could not be the result of chance.
A modern version of this theory is the idea that humans and cats live in a kind of symbiosis: Cats provide leadership, while humans provide food, sand and scratching.
I find this symbiosis theory very doubtful, as both humans and cats may survive on their own.
I rather believe in the evolutionary theory of Maximilian the Great, who argues that man’s adaption to the needs of cats is the result of the development of agriculture.
Rats and mice have always been a threat to the storage of grain and vegetables. Cats always tend to favor humans that treat them nicely. The support of cats gives these humans a stronger chance for survival, as cats help them fight the rodents. In the long run this has led to the development of human beings with a strong affinity to cats.
As some may note, this theory is a variation of Powerful Purr’s attempt at explaining the more ancient dog/man relationship. That relationship grew out of man’s need for a hunting companions. Unfortunately that relationship has led to human variants called “dog lovers”. Hopefully this genetic variation will die out on its own.
4. Exploit the noisybox
Humans are normally restless animals. As soon as you have settled down in their lap or on their chest for some warm and cosy quality time, they insist on moving around, ruining a perfect nap.
I have found, though, that they tend keep still when they are worshiping the noisybox, which normally means that you will have the best success of getting them to groom you in the evenings.
A word of warning: It is easy to get carried away: Remember that the human skin is very thin when you start pushing!
5. Do not engage them during the night
Cats have for millennia tried to engage human beings during the night, a time when all sensible beings go hunting. Human beings, however, insist on sleeping during the night, and there is nothing you can do to make them change this habit. Believe me, I have tried!
If they get grumpy they may throw you out of their sleeping quarters. As any cat will know, that means that you will be excluded from parts of your preserve, which is a very frustrating experience, indeed.
6. Exploit their capacity for tool building
Human beings are, like chimps, ants and other beings low on the evolutionary ladder, good at developing and using tools. Cats are superior in this sense, as our bodies are perfectly adapted to our environment. We do not need tools.
Still, I have to admit that their use of the coldbox is an advantage, as it can store fish and other delicacies for a long time. Unfortunately you need opposable thumbs to open such a box. Hence you need a human being to do that for you. Here is one trick to make them do that:
Sit outside the coldbox and make human like noises. If you are persistent, you may activate their child rearing instincts, making them open the box and bring you food.
7. Bring them food
There is no way you can bring in enough food to feed a human family. Fortunately, there is no need, as they seem to be able to catch more than enough food themselves.
However, they seem to appreciate the symbolic value of you contributing to the human hunt. I have not done so myself, but one of my friends at the sanctuary for abandoned cats once told me that his human pets used to make happy noises when he put dead mice and birds on their sleeping cots.
Strangely enough, that did not stop them from throwing him out of their cave.
By Aviana PK
http://aviana.com/blog/?p=27
guest writer Timian
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